Lawrence C.
Lawrence Cuellar writes: I am a 36 year old single father of 5 kids, a 17 year old girl, 16 year old boy, 14 year old girl, 10 year old girl, and a 6 year old boy. I am also a recovering heroin addict.
Writing Group Lessons
by Lawrence Cuellar
When I was told that F6 was going to start getting more classes, I was like “Yeah, sure, I’ll try some of them out and see how they work out”. Then when the teachers/instructors came into the pod to sign us up and tell us a little more about their classes I saw a petite, longhaired beauty and at that point I was determined to be in her class even though I didn’t even know what it was about. I went to the table where she was signing people up and started to ask her questions about her class, at which point she told me it was a writing class. I took that to mean that we were going to be taught how to punctuate and write perfect sentences and paragraphs so I thought, “Fuck it, I could use the help”, and let’s face it, with her as the teacher I was able to be around beauty twice a week in an ugly living condition.
And then the first day of class arrived and I realized it was something totally opposite of what I had expected. As the class started she gave us a topic – Who Are You? So I did a little poem and it was actually a decent one, and from that point I was hooked. I enjoyed writing before I even knew how much I really liked it. When I started to send my printouts to my daughter, who enjoys writing poems herself, it actually brought us together in a unique way. We were clicking on a new level, and this wouldn’t have happened if not for the writing class.
So, for me this class has really been a great benefit, not because of the certificate and not because we get out of the pod, but because I have a whole new relationship with mi jita (my daughter) that I truly believe could not have happened without Wendy and her class. In a nutshell this class has taught me that our words are powerful and when we write them down they have the power to strengthen a relationship, as is the case with my daughter and me.
My Childhood
by Lawrence Cuellar
Growing up as a kid for me was actually a pretty decent childhood. My earliest memories were of my entire family from both sides getting together at my parent’s home for all of the holidays, from Thanksgiving to the Fourth of July. The adults would drink all day and night while playing horseshoes and cards. I can remember, down in the basement, my uncle Manual hustling the other family members at dice, and the rest of them would just kick back and recall old stories of their childhoods and past holidays.
As for us kids, brothers, sisters and cousins, we would all be running around in different groups. My oldest brother and cousins would smoke weed in the garage until my dad and uncles would were drunk, then they would start raiding the beer and bottles in my dad’s bar room, which was his pride and joy. He had built it all himself, from the eight bar stools to the custom ten foot bar topped with a kick guard rail and a built-in keg with a gear shift tap. All of the bottles of wine and spirits you needed to make whatever drink you wanted.
Then there was my sister and my girl cousins. To tell you the truth, I never really knew what they did because they were always locked in my sister’s room. This brings me back to my middle brother and my two cousins, Victor and Robert. They were the ones who would try to hook up with my female cousin’s friends who would come to our house with them. Every holiday there were at least four friends that my primas would bring. I don’t know if my brother would set that up with them or what.
Last but not least came myself and my cousins Phillip and Vicente. We were the youngest of all the family, and our day consisted of trying to tag along with my brother Andrew and our two other cousins so we could see titties too. But they were real haters because more times than not the females were game but they just weren’t having it. So as the evening would wind down the three of us would sneak into my jefitos bar and fill up a 32-ounce cup full of beer and share it, acting like we were the shit.
This is how my childhood went for a while until my parents divorced when I was 12, and that was when life as I knew it started to change forever. Nothing was the same. No longer were there family gatherings at our house, and as a matter of fact my dad’s side and my mom’s side never talked or saw each other on joyous occasions again. Also, I never lived with my dad after that, and two years later, when I was 14, I was kicked out of the house. I went to live with my sister and brother-in-law, and he gave me an ultimatum – I could either go back to school or start working, so I chose to work. I did roofing for the next three years and moved into my own place at 16. That was the end of my childhood.
Just Like Me
When I was younger all I wanted was to be a “daddy”. At that time I knew I would be a great father, and I was. For the longest time, all I would do is work all week, then when Saturday would hit my girl and my kids and I would go out and do something, whether it was going to the park or to the movies. And on Sunday we would all wake up in the morning and I would start making a big breakfast for us. After we were done eating my girl would wash the dishes and clean up while the kids would go out back and play. At that time I would go back and forth from watching football and making dinner so that dinner was done b the time the games were over. We would sit down as a family to Sunday dinner.
That was the early years of my kid’s lives. I would love for my kids to emulate me at that time in my life, but to be perfectly honest I don’t even know if my children remember how life was back then. As they got older I developed a drug habit that started with painkillers. After six years of popping them like they were candy the pills just weren’t cutting it anymore, so a so-called friend said to try heroin and I did. Soon after that I stopped working and just started to commit armed robberies to pay for the bills and for my drug habit. That is where I really started to fuck up, since I have an addictive personality I was getting high from doing the actual robberies. That made it all the more fucked up.
So now as I sit back and think, I would die inside if my kids were to grow up to be like me. I am no role model by far. If it had not been for me starting the painkillers i know deep down that I could have given my kids much more in life. Even now, when my children write me in jail they all say that they would not change anything about their lives, even if they could. but in the back of my mind I know that after telling all of them "do as I say, not as i do", there is still a slight chance that they will be just like me.
Daddy
by Isis Pauline Cuellar
Foreseeable events are
the average procedures
you will undergo continuously
in a lifetime; they are predictable,
and occur at the right time.
But unlooked-for incidents
are more effective, they
may change your life
and perspective.
So live not awaiting
what's contemplated; but
live in preparation for
the unanticipated.
Daddy,
I haven’t written a poem for you in so long. This one is for you.
by Isis Pauline Cuellar
I’ve been through a lot of good and bad.
Some makes me smile,
some makes me sad.
14 years of age,
a little girl full of pain and rage.
Skipped her childhood, went straight to reality.
“Just like her parents”, people say,
“she’s bound to be”.
She’s not an average girl,
aware of everything in her world.
Still, she lives on,
life full of never-ending criticism and disappointment.
Hang in there girl,
and forget about the bullshit.
Little Things in Life
by Lawrence Cuellar
In my short span of 36 years I have seen and done a lot, some good, some bad. Many things I do not wish to revisit again, but there are a few things that I can replay in my head day after day…like that first kiss, ‘til this day my palms still get clammy and my stomach feels like butterflies are swirling around in endless circles. You see, it is visions like this that keep me going day after day. I found that they help me to keep my mind grounded in the here and now during the day. But at night after we are locked down and the lights go out I can escape from within these walls and go back in time to any point that I wish to, and if only for a moment I am free to relive any and all of the happy times that I can recall. But even with a vehicle like your mind you can only do so much. I would say that of all the little things that I take for granted the ones I miss most are the scents of specific things, like the smell of a newborn baby with the scent of baby lotion on their tiny little head or the smell of my daughter’s little dog’s puppy breath. The one I miss the most is the smell of my girl’s perfume, Love Spell. When I smell that no matter where I am I can go back to the first time I met her and saw her beautiful smile.
The First Time I was Told I was Going to be a Daddy
by Lawrence C.
