Life

When I think about my kids in this world that we live in

I pray that they don't get into the problems that i got in.

My parents separated when I was a youngster,

left my moms at a young age to become a gangster.

With one parent doing everything that he can,

work a 9 to 5 and still stick to the plan.

It's hard to balance out, be a dad or be a friend,

so with him never home, I chose to be from a gang.

I ain't one to point and I ain't one to blame,

but the day I met the hood I ain't ever been the same.

I guess you could say I took advantage at the time,

I'da never though I'd write this in a line.

But I'ma do something that my parents never did,

That's try to make it work, make it work 4 the kids.

That's how much I love them, and that's what I'ma do,

just so they don't go through all the pain I went through.

My Life

I struggle a hard life,

I may not b what I like.

But it’s in my veins to get right -

the blood flowin’ 2 put up a fight

My bones soldiered up ready 4 the night.

I walk the pave that stays gray,

the pave that hold stories of blood stains n’ dope game.

How my world gonna change 2 bein’ in the chain gang.

Man I wish I could say I was playin’,

but instead I remain prayin’.

I’ve seen n’ done things that’ll make a Lord proud,

it’s crazy how the streets turn us out.

But it’s about how 2 get around

if u down n’ out n’ come back 4 the count

without help – I’ve never felt that much doubt.

Don’t regret a thing I did in this life I live.

As a kid pretty much over did -

decisions that were best with a closed lid.

Lettin’ it sit, lettin’ it get sick -

habits r hard to kick

I jus’ wanna let u know I’m doin’ my best -

holdin’ my breath, holdin’ onto what I have left.

Getting’ lightheaded cuz’ I’m getting’ this off my chest -

but I must confess, no stress, don’t love u less -

u don’t need to sneeze cuz’ ur 4-ever blessed.

Wisdom

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right ones, so that when we finally meet the right ones we will know how to be grateful for that gift. Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens. But sometimes we look so long at the one that has closed that we don’t see the one that has opened for us. Maybe the best friend is the one you can sit on the porch and swing with, never saying a word, and then get up and leave feeling as though you it was the best conversation you have ever had. Maybe it is true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it. But it is also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never a guarantee that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours. It only takes a minute for a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for money, even that fades away. Go for the one who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile. There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be because you only have one life and one chance to do all of the things you want to do. Always put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything that comes their way. Happiness comes to those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate those who have touched their lives. Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. The greatest future will come from a forgotten past. You can’t go on well in life if you don’t let go of past failures and heartaches. When you were born you were crying, and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling while everyone around you is crying. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrows to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

My Footsteps

4 my footsteps I apologize,

I know it hurts u deep inside.

I know ur askin’ why,

But I’m gonna take this time

2 tell u through these rhymez.

4 I cheat ‘n lie,

4 I let u cry,

‘N 4 time pass us by.

I know there’s no excuse,

I know there’s evidence ‘n proof,

I know it’s what I choose,

I don’t mean 2 put u through

The lifestyle that I do.

Bein’ here breaks me too,

Y couldn’t I jus listen 2 you.

Ma, I don’t wanna follow father’s shoes!

The thoughts that keep me awake at night

“The thoughts that keep me awake at night,” tossing and turning, the wanting for something you can’t have, the tears that ceased to fall, the waiting game we’re all forced to play, the good memories I replay over and over in my mind, the touch and smell of a female that taunts me throughout the day.

“The thoughts that keep me awake at night.”

There are no more tears left, and the world keeps moving on around me, but my life seems like it’s on stand still. The weight on my shoulders is becoming unbearable, and the emptiness inside is killing me. I stress all day about getting back to my family, but in reality I’m just scared of my responsibilities when it comes time for me to get out.

“The thoughts that keep me awake at night.”

Trying to forget the switch my so called boys put me in, the thought of revenge when we finally come face to face, the pictures on the walls of my families pain, loss, and disgrace; what to do with so much time to waste. But in the end its just me myself and I, and those who stood by my side.

“The thoughts that keep me awake at night.”

Just when you think life’s falling apart there’s always someone who you never thought would be there to pick you back up. Thank you for telling me life doesn’t suck, it’s just what you make of it.

The thoughts that keep me awake at night…

Growing Up

As I sit here and think, look back on my childhood,

I don’t see too much bad, most of it’s good.

I was scared of my mom for all the shit she did -

if I heard dishes breaking I knew next came the kids.

And me being the oldest, well I got the worst.

My grandma on the other hand, she was like my nurse,

who came to my aid, if I was ever in pain.

Memories of both of ‘em yelling in the rain.

To set myself free and get away from it all,

hide and seek was the game…I never got to play ball.

Pops steady working, mom a housewife,

never knew why but I knew they liked to fight.

Ten years old and all I wanted was my dad,

instead I got a party animal who only left me sad

but I ain’t trippin’ ‘cuz I know I’m gonna make it.

Broken home living, we don’t fake it we take it.

I’m Sorry

I try so hard

That I’m left with battlefield scars;

I try so hard

That I know I got a lotta heart…

Wherever this road may lead,

I’ll avoid hate, envy, ‘n greed.

I wouldn’t wish death upon my enemies

Cuz I know karma will come back times 3…

I try so hard

2 avoid these bars,

I try so hard

That everyone I know falls apart…

Whenever my day may be,

I’ll wait till the day they set me free.

Jus as long as I know there’s a key,

I’ll know this ain’t my destiny…

I try so hard

That I wish upon a star;

I try so hard

That I know there’s always a spark…

However, sometimes it’s jus me,

The way I’m livin’ chapters in my story.

I never wanted life that was boring,

But I apologize if I made you worry.

My Revolving Door

My revolving door, I never know what’s in store

Coming in an out, out an in, when will it ever end?

My life is on hold as I sit and wait

I can’t be excused ‘til I finish my plate

Cold meals, shitty ass beds, standing in line waiting for meds

Visits and phone calls never seem enough

Never ever thought I’d be writing this stuff

Loving so close but yet so far

Everyone’s looking in on my life like a bug in a jar

Showering alone better break that habit

Watch your ass someone might try to grab it

241’z 345’z

Granola bars and oatmeal cream pies

The boredom and frustration is getting to my brain

New celly after new celly wait, what’s your name?

If you don’t want to deal with this better not come back

Next time the judge and DA might not cut you no slack

Lightin’ Candles

U know u look good, u know u look cute –

I’d be crazy 2 give u the boot.

U’r the type of ice cream that I’d love to scoop.

U’r the flavor that I like,

I’m cravin’ 4 a bite.

I’ll do it dirty but it’s gonna be alright.

Bein’ with you I don’t mind,

thought a fairy tale princess was hard to find.

U’r beauty can be seen by a man that’s blind.

U sparkle up like fresh fallen snow,

it brings so much warmth even though it’s cold.

I hate to see u go.

I like that vibe I get,

I wish I could run with it.

Keep it 4 a late night tip,

Girl I’ll keep your candles lit.

Sex Appeal

Let’s take a chance, sometime some way we can romance

Love is in the air, baby it’s more than I can bare

The thought of me in between them thighs

My emotions inside are beginning to rise

Them curves them lips the way you move your hips

The sex the pain girl this ain’t no game

Your sex appeal is something for real

Girl I hope you understand the way I feel

So let’s take a chance I promise to take it slow

Baby please be mine I know this love will grow

Them silly niggaz always tryin’ to get atcha

But I ain’t mad that shit don’t matta

I’m sick and tired of them one night stands

Wish you’d take a chance and met me be yo manz

Thoughts of you drive me crazy

So keep it real don’t play me

Who Matters

In a room with 24 men it’s kinda hard for me to speak,

speak about the one who matters most in life to me.

I could tell you my “pops”, my “sister”, or my “brother”,

possibly my “grandma”, my kids or my “mother”.

I love ‘em to death, I’d put my life on the line,

but “my lady” be the one who makes me feel like she’s mine.

I know whatcha thinking, I know what they say,

chicks come and go, but mine’s here to stay.

Been with her for ten years, at one point separated.

Devil got the best of us, but guess what, we made it.

Type to get upset if she hears me cursing,

same type to make me wanna be a better person.

Type to make a gangsta from the streets fall in love,

same type that goes to church and thanks the man above.

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned, but she belongs to me.

She’s my brown-eyed girl, she’s my baby S______.

My Legacy

The one I love – loves me deep

The one I love, I watch her sleep

My baby you’re so beautiful n’ precious –

the love I have for you can’t be expressed

Not in words – jus’ how I feel –

the bond between us has gotta be real

I kneel to God n’ thank him for my angel

She got her mom’s beauty – eye color, hazel

I cherish every breath you breathe

You mean everything to me

You’re my legacy

Baby, the world can be so shady

I’ll be there to teach you wrong from right –

let you know if it’s worth the fight

N’ whenever trouble strikes, you’re daddy’s girl –

let all the bad stuff happen to the world

I’m here if you need a shoulder

It doesn’t matter if you get older

You know you’ll always be mine

A man treat you wrong you know who to find

As long as I live, I’ll protect my kid

Provide the table with bread, show ‘em love n’ bliss

Sweetheart I’ll be here as long as I can

Even in the afterlife or if I end up in prison…

How it Should Be, how it is

by Lawrence Jaramillo

Because I don’t have any kids of my own, my nephew MG is the most important child in my life. He is only 13 or 14 months old now. MG is the happiest little boy I have ever seen. At this time he has the best, most awesome mother, and his dad, who is in prison. There are some wonderful people who surround him every day, but at the same time, a lot of us, including me, have our problems. These are some problems I would hate to see him experience when he gets older. I would love to see him play sports, like Little League baseball, YAFL football, or maybe even soccer.

I can see it now: him turning 5 years old, all his family there, like his mother, grandpa, even grandma, his cousins, if he ends up having more than just one by then. His aunties and uncles, including D. and me. This would mean that we are both out of jail…hell yeah! Well I picture a huge barbecue. Lots of love, food, drinks and fun going around. It would be nice if there was no dope there. But let’s keep it real, this is Albuquerque down in the South Valley. So let’s say maybe just some blunts and alcohol. I can see some of the family playing volleyball over to the side, some family and friends tossing a football back and forth down the way. Others, like my girl and I, eating and having fun bullshitting with the kids. I picture a place where there is no pain, no tears, no hurt and no suffering. Just love and laughter. But by picturing this, I’m imagining what it will be like in Heaven. That would be nice, but we all know that’s not the case. Cousins will be beating up cousins, some one will get hurt and shed tears, others will get drunk and stupid. D. will probably beat her mom’s ass like usual, and of course drag me into the middle of it all. Other than that though everything would be great. The love will be there, and the happiness will follow. The presents for MG will be opened and appreciated mostly by D., his mom. D. is the best mother he could ever have. Smiles fill the part where the barbecue is being held. This would make it look like a Colgate commercial or the biggest Kodak moment I have ever seen. The one thing that would make me happiest would be my mother and my girl D. truly getting along. They are the two people I love most, and I would like to see them showing love for one another. This would be the way it should be. No bad choices, no bad things happening to the loved ones. This would go on every year, with new baby faces, and those who had been there the year before just one year older. Everyone is doing good for themselves financially, physically, and most of all, spiritually. Amen.

Find Me

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep…Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without make up on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you…The one who turns to his friends and says, that’s her.

Confession

The thoughts that haunt me

Are the ones that taught me

You can either start or stop me

Depending on how bad you want me

I’m haunted and hunted

This is what you really wanted

Finally you got it

There was no way to stop it

The thoughts of bein’ left

I wanna say this before my last breath

This I must confess,

Got it off my chest

Some words ain’t meant to be said

I take back all the negative

N’ if I didn’t tell you I love you then

I’ll say it every night before I go to bed.

If You Really Knew Me…

If you really knew me then you’d know to come correct

You’d know the thing I value most in life be respect

I’m the type to help you out, if and ever you need skina

If you ever do me wrong, I’ll introduce you to my nina

I ain’t one to brag and I ain’t one to shout

I do enjoy graffiti, but just don’t cross me out

I am who I am, and that ain’t ever gonna change

Never will you catch me showing off or acting like a lame

I’m here if you need me at any given hour

I got pride in my race which is Mexican power

For the most part I’m confident, sometimes confused

At times a little jealous, but I refuse to lose

Overwhelmed with the stress that approach me on a daily

For every strong vato needs a strong ass lady

If you ever plan to make it out of this world so shady

Get yourself a chick, fall in love and have some babies

Kick Out

The day the CO calls kick out is what we all dream about. The minutes that pass seeming like hours, the packing and passing of extras that are now useless to you. The goodbyes and cries of homies wishing you well, the relief of knowing your time has come, and knowing the struggles and pains are now done. Rushing to the sally port to catch that long awaited bus ride home. Thoughts of what to do first, cramping your mind with glee, who to call, what to eat, what to wear, the taste of that Newport filling your lungs with mentholated air. Even that first feeling of getting up in some booty. Oh how long I’ve waited baby to feel you next to me. Pulling you closer as I push inside you, coming closer to ecstasy.

Sitting back and reminding myself about all the shit I went through. Damn, I’m so glad beans and baloney aren’t still on my menu. Now everything seems so great, I got my life back, I’ve learned from my mistakes. The only thing that’s wrong is I’m day dreaming in my cell. Just another day waiting for the CO to call Kick Out.

Beautiful Butterfly