Worst Fears
Fear of My True Feelings
I had to feel empowered so I started popping pills to get away from my feelings. Once I started this it seems like everything started falling apart. I started to distance myself from everyone. It hurt being near my family because I couldn’t talk to them. I couldn’t be by my girl because I couldn’t talk about my feelings because I was too high and didn’t care. I started popping more and more pills and drinking. I didn’t care about life anymore, just taking away the pain by popping painkillers.
Three days before being incarcerated I was almost killed by the pills. No time in jail will ever cure the pain or the scars that are unseen. The more time the deeper they get.
Worst Fear
My worst fear would be to lose my mom or even another family member. But it would be losing my mom that would be my worst fear; she’s all I got. I lost my dad when I was locked up. I never got to see him or go to his rosary or anything and my mom is all I’ve got now. And I want her to know I love her and for her to know that I was doing good and that she did everything for me and she didn’t fail.
Just Like Me
When I was younger all I wanted was to be a “daddy”. At that time I knew I would be a great father, and I was. For the longest time, all I would do is work all week, then when Saturday would hit my girl and my kids and I would go out and do something, whether it was going to the park or to the movies. And on Sunday we would all wake up in the morning and I would start making a big breakfast for us. After we were done eating my girl would wash the dishes and clean up while the kids would go out back and play. At that time I would go back and forth from watching football and making dinner so that dinner was done b the time the games were over. We would sit down as a family to Sunday dinner.
That was the early years of my kid’s lives. I would love for my kids to emulate me at that time in my life, but to be perfectly honest I don’t even know if my children remember how life was back then. As they got older I developed a drug habit that started with painkillers. After six years of popping them like they were candy the pills just weren’t cutting it anymore, so a so-called friend said to try heroin and I did. Soon after that I stopped working and just started to commit armed robberies to pay for the bills and for my drug habit. That is where I really started to fuck up, since I have an addictive personality I was getting high from doing the actual robberies. That made it all the more fucked up.
So now as I sit back and think, I would die inside if my kids were to grow up to be like me. I am no role model by far. If it had not been for me starting the painkillers I know deep down that I could have given my kids much more in life. Even now when my children write me in jail they all say that they would not change anything about their lives, even if they could. But in the back of my mind I know that after telling all of them “do as I say, not as I do”, there is a slight chance that they will be just like me.
My Worst Fear
by Lefty
My worst fear is to die at the age of 28, like my dad, Norman Herrera. May he rest in peace. He passed away from heroin when I was only 12 years old. I’m the oldest of four kids so I was the man of the house. So I had to start selling crack and I took care of my family (mom, my two brothers and sister). At the age of 13 I had a, ’85 Chevy Cutlass, ’85 GMC Jimmy, and an’88 Toyota Camry. I thought I was balling all the time and at the age of 12 I got ranked to West Side 18th St. They called me Tiny Loco. Then when I got bigger the homies started to call me Lefty. They said for me to carry my dad’s name, so I did, and to this day everyone knows me as Lefty. This is my worst fear – to die at the age of 28. I still have a lot to live for…may my dad rest in peace.
My Vice and My Worst Fear
There are habits that I can’t break -
It’s not what it is, it’s what u make,
rakin’ Benjamins like leaves –
my dead presidents mean a lot to me.
The green dream, we’re a team, soldiered up –
My vice is 2 never run outta bucks,
drinkin’ til I throw up n’ still refill my cup.
Fuck all dat getting’ stuck, jus’ keep the lava flowin’,
party goin’, black out - not knowin’ –
jus’ throwin’ the lights out without muscle
The habit I can’t break is a hustle,
I love the money – especially by the double.
Tripling trouble comes with the game in this life u playin’,
having your peoples puttin’ their hands together
and prayin’,
2 make sure don’t nothing happen 2 you,
the worst fear is when u know you are through,
when you’re parapalegically screwed.
Or 2 be brewed one night, getting’ tight, feelin’ right,
N’ catching somethin’ like STDs
AIDS, crabs or herpies.
Knowin’ you’ll be the first 2 go in your family –
There’s a lotta fears that might happen 2 me,
but living this life n’ my vice is worth all my time.
